I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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