I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
