there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
i will never coherently bang her
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
