you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
