Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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