this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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