sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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