so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Randomize