also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
