she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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