shes about as inviting as chlamydia
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
