I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
