just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Randomize
