1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Only a mothe r could love this liver
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
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