Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Randomize
