you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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