Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
