two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
