Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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