What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
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