My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
