That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize