I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize