So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
