wanna go halves on a baby?
never play flip cup with pint glasses
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
