watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
