I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
