Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize