shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
