You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
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