please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
