I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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