Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
