u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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