His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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