Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
