Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
