i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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