Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
My balls are so social today.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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