Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
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