ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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