I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Randomize
