I cannot find my penis.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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