I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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