When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
