she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
