Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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