I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
