you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
