I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
