I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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