So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
