I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
