You can't motorboat a personality
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
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