what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
